New student- issues with past trauma

[crarant]

Hi, I just found these boards. I have just finished my second month of massage school and I am finding that I'm having some unexpected issues crop up in relation to a bad experience I had almost three years ago.

I was raped by an acquaintence. At the time it didn't even feel like a big deal because I had just gone through a bad breakup, and survived a suicide attempt. I had been put on new medication, one of which was very sedating, and he took advantage of that, despite my repeatedly saying no and trying to push him away. I didn't really deal with it much at all, because the other issues I was dealing with at the time were far too big for me to want to worry about anything else, so I stuffed it down and tried to forget.

Now that I'm in school I'm finding that the experience is rearing itself again. Not so much in relation to actually being worked on, or working on others, but Ethics class has been really hard on me in some unexpected ways. I'm also really scared of starting clinic next term. I've asked the massage instructor to pair me with my male classmates because I still have a lot of anxiety around working with men, but she has only done so once and we only have two weeks left in this term. I didn't tell her about the rape. I did tell her that I've been working as a manicurist for the last 8 years and working with men is really outside of my comfort level right now, b ut that I wanted to be secure with it before starting clinic. She said she would keep it inmind, but she has still just paired me with women, and I'm kind of freaking out.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

[pueppi]

I have never dealt with something like this.

However, if you want to be paired with male classmates and the instructor won't facilitate this, you may wish to consider working with your classmates on your own time, if you are comfortable with it.

I am sorry that I don't have any other advice.

[crarant]

That's what my instructor said also, but in practice I'm finding it hard enough to find female students who are available at the same time I am, let alone the male ones. At this point I have to take who I can get in order to get my assignments completed.

[JasonE]

Hi, I just found these boards. I have just finished my second month of massage school and I am finding that I'm having some unexpected issues crop up in relation to a bad experience I had almost three years ago.

I was raped by an acquaintence. At the time it didn't even feel like a big deal because I had just gone through a bad breakup, and survived a suicide attempt. I had been put on new medication, one of which was very sedating, and he took advantage of that, despite my repeatedly saying no and trying to push him away. I didn't really deal with it much at all, because the other issues I was dealing with at the time were far too big for me to want to worry about anything else, so I stuffed it down and tried to forget.

Now that I'm in school I'm finding that the experience is rearing itself again. Not so much in relation to actually being worked on, or working on others, but Ethics class has been really hard on me in some unexpected ways. I'm also really scared of starting clinic next term. I've asked the massage instructor to pair me with my male classmates because I still have a lot of anxiety around working with men, but she has only done so once and we only have two weeks left in this term. I didn't tell her about the rape. I did tell her that I've been working as a manicurist for the last 8 years and working with men is really outside of my comfort level right now, but that I wanted to be secure with it before starting clinic. She said she would keep it in mind, but she has still just paired me with women, and I'm kind of freaking out.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

First off, congratulations on having the courage and insight to recognize what you've gone through, why you didn't deal with it at the time, and the impact it is having upon you now. None of that is easy, and I respect your drive to deal with the rape and anxiety regarding males as soon as possible!

Further, congratulations on discussing your anxiety about working with men with your instructor and asking for help. Congratulations on also seeking help elsewhere when it became clear that this instructor truly doesn't understand how important this may be to your education.

I am now going to suggest something you may not be comfortable with: Tell your instructor about the rape and how male anxiety issues have become a major concern to you. Tell her that you are freaking out about clinic because you have rarely been paired up with males and don't yet feel comfortable with men. Tell her you NEED to work through this with the assistance of males. If she isn't then willing to make sure you work with males more often, go over her head and discuss it with the head of the massage program. Being able to work with men is a HUGE part of your learning process, and this is something you clearly feel the need to address right away. (Wisely, I think.)

Also: consider seeing a counselor. The school may have someone available for you to speak with, or you may find one elsewhere. Professional counselors can be very good at helping crime victims learn to cope, adapt, and overcome.

Last: consider seeing a PROFESSIONAL male MT for massage/bodywork outside of class. Explain your situation (the rape, your schooling, etc.) up front so he understands what is at stake and can be better prepared to work with you in a way that feels safe, supportive, and healing for you. In addition to easing some of your anxiety about males, you will learn a LOT about giving good massages from receiving them.

[katamay]

I'm also a survivor who had a few issues in massage school. I wrote about it a bit on my blog here--> http://lmtorbust.com/trauma-massage-school/

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

Kat

[maestra]

I agree with Jason.... congratulations on identifying your triggers and working on them.
I had a similar issue with trusting men in school as well. When it was time to learn the abdominal routine I was paired with a male classmate. He was first on the table... I tried my best to do the work that was being instructed..but just a couple minutes into it he called it to a halt. Turns out the instructor had unknowingly put 2 people who had been molested together.
My first day of clinic my first client was male, and did not treat me well. The guy was horrible rude to me before and after the massage etc. I was so nervous I was about to fly. The teachers kept checking in on me. I found out after he got his next massage that the guy behaved inappropriately with a classmate. So I guess I really was picking up on something.
And I was so upset by this that I traded away every male client for the rest of clinic. One of my instructors was male and he said, "I'm not going to let you limit your income by 50 percent. You're going to have to work through this in school, where it's safe."
Well, the day of our last trade in massage school the male classmate and I were assigned to trade. It went well, and when we came out of the room the instructor was just beaming at us, he was so proud!
Acknowledge your feelings... don't forget that you're going to have clients who may not always divulge the fact that they have been molested or raped to you before they get on the table. Learning how to compassionately assist someone to heal from such trauma may be the highlight of their MT training/education. And it's really great to assist someone in their healing that way.
A year later I went to the male instructor for a massage (outside of school). He hugged me afterwards and said he knew it was a big step for me... and that he was proud of me.
Fast forward to about 5 years ago when I was having trouble with a male client's inappropriate behavior and the lack of support from my employer... and I contacted my instructor to see if he felt I was being reasonable with my request to not be assigned to work on this problem client.
My male instructor was like, "WHAT? You're working on MEN?"
He never knew how much he helped me work through it.
Realize too sometimes these issues can come back up... that it isn't always once talked about & those feelings will never return.
Treat yourself like you would treat a client... with the same kindness & compassion. You'll do just fine.
And please... keep us updated on your healing journey.
You Can Do This.

[crarant]

Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I'm a little behind on my course work and finals are next week. So it turned out that my instructor had paired me up to work with two males this week. We also did some massage in another class this week where we got to pick our partner, and a third guy asked if I wanted to partner up with him for the exchange, so I did. It has helped a lot. I think even if that's all I get this term that I'm in a better place than I was a week ago for going into clinic. I plan to practice some more on my fiance and my dad during the break as well. For some reason I find it even more uncomfortable to work on them than I do a classmate I have never spoken to. I'm not really sure why that is. I have really great relationships with both of them. I guess I just really want them to think I'm good, whereas with classmates we allready know there will be mistakes here and there and it's no big deal.

[JasonE]

That sounds more promising! It is normal to feel more pressure to perform for those you know, at first, but that will eventually pass. Just keep breathing, keep your boundaries, and you'll do fine.